Looking forward to 2010…

*Finally going to Kalahari!
*3 Year Anni…and Surprise!
*Becoming an Aunt!
*Mini vacation this summer…location unknown.

…That doesn’t seem like that many, but they’re all just so good!

I am very upset that I didn’t review 2008. I would like to know what I would have said. It was definitely a rough year full of many mistakes. But without 2008, there would be no 2009 and I am very happy there was.

Year in Review – 2009

This year I was mixing it up yet again. I started out by moving in Tonya. I was really not happy about making this change. I thought I had it all living with Brit on 1st Ave. I wasn’t sure how it would be living in someone else’s apartment. But it is one of the best decisions I’ve made and an excellent start to the year! I really believe that Tonya will go down as my favorite roommate of all time. Unfortunately, that was only 5 months and then I moved on to my next adventure. I was nervous about this one too but it worked out so perfectly that I couldn’t say no. If it didn’t work out or my relationship didn’t work out, it could have been a disaster but it worked out better than I could have imagined. The roommate part, not the living situation part. I have never loathed a place that I live more than this one. But next year, I will be on to bigger and better things and most importantly, done with college housing. My relationship is better than I could ever imagine. I’ve finally been able to trust almost completely that I don’t need to worry anymore. It is the best feeling in the world. It has even changed my feelings about how to progress in a relationship. For the first time in my life, I just know this will work and I don’t need to put it through any tests. I already know the obstacles we will face but I’m not scared that we won’t be able to work through them. I can’t say too much bad about 2009. I am continuing to struggle through not having any friends but what I have is nothing to complain about.

On to 2010! I am sure it will be a good year but it mostly feels like a stepping stone to 2011 😀


I just had an amazing idea. Disclaimer: I want anyone who reads this to know that just because your situation does not fit mine…I am not saying that yours means any less.

I think we’re all aware of how much music means to me. It can change your mood in an instant. It can make you fall in love. It can help you understand yourself. It can help you understand others. It can help you express yourself. It can get you through the day when nothing else can. It can show you when you’ve moved on. So why not make an analogy between music and the most important person in my life?

First love. I don’t know if anything can be more difficult to live through then first love but I would also not want to live without it. It is instant and intense and perfect and overwhelming. You might just say it’s like that perfect pop song you hear on the radio, intensely catchy. You can’t get it out of your head. You could listen to it a billion times over and not get sick of it….well, maybe not a billion….because it was so intense to start with that it gets old…it looses it’s draw quickly. First love is so intense at the beginning that all you know for sure is that you love being in love. That doesn’t mean you can’t luck out and love that person (or song) forever but the chances are slim. (Seriously, is anyone still listening to the Thong Song?? 😉 )

Trying to Love Again. You want nothing more than to feel that feeling again. Intense, and overwhelming. So you’re cautious but you put yourself out there as slowly as you can. You learn to enjoy the person before you learn to love them. Of all the bands that I really love and will listen to for the rest of my life, I’ve grown to like them. I obviously enjoyed them after first listen but it took time to grow on me until I became obsessed. I was broken but I am no longer broken. I feel that ridiculously intense feeling and it makes me want to throw up. Subconsciously probably out of fear but I love every minute of it. But not only do I get to feel that amazing feeling but I get to do it while really knowing and being able to enjoy the person. I don’t think anything in the world could be better…

My point being…I’m over the radio and it’s Top 40 hits…I’m interested in the chaotic, screaming melodies I’ve grown to love 😀

Im more distraught about this then I had expected. I saw it coming, it’s true. And yet a couple days after is when it really bothers me.

I hate the ripple effect. How one event effects so many things. How you have to be careful what you do because of the seven degrees of seperation. Everyone is connected. Everything you do has an infinite amount of consequences.

I rarely have an instant connection with someone. I’m pretty picky about who I legitimately like. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve had this feeling before. And every other time it has ended in a life long friend. Maybe I’m being naive. Maybe I was being deceived just like he was. But that doesn’t make me forget the sheer excitement I had about spending time with you. How happy I was to have double dates again. How exciting life seemed to be. And now it seems your sad and I can not say anything. I have lost too many friends to breakups.

Statistics state that living together before marriage greatly increases your probability of getting divorced. I started researching this awhile ago because it’s always bothered me. It bothered me because I couldn’t think of one logical reason for this to be true. You learn so much by living with someone that I would be terrified to enter into a major commitment with someone before living with them. But I have narrowed it down to one major reason this is true and I feel like educating everyone on it since it seems to become a heated discussion with some people. The people who move in together before their married are much more liberal than people who don’t. This also goes along with sex before marriage and increasing the chance of divorce. Liberal people don’t have a problem moving in together and they also are much more accepting to divorce. Also, moving in together before takes away from the magnitude of the level of commitment that marriage is. As long as you realize the commitment of living together and then getting married, living together beforehand is obviously the better choice. The research shouldn’t be about the likelihood of divorce but instead about the level of happiness. Now personally, I can’t think of one long time married couple that is truly happy right now. So divorce or no divorce, your chances of being happy forever aren’t very good. Now wouldn’t you much rather know what you were getting into before marriage? Wouldn’t you like to take some of the pressure and stress away from your first year of marriage? Of course. Now you have no reason to ever argue with me again. 🙂

I learned something about myself recently. I’ll admit that I probably have some kind of anxiety problem. I worry a lot. I get upset about things I don’t need to get upset by. I really hate relying on anything to fix something though. So the way I’ve coped with this my entire life is through plans. I am a planner. Plans make me feel safe. If I have everything planned out, I know exactly what to expect and it’s not so scary then. I love to plan things. I know exactly how most of my future will go. I mean, how I plan it to go. When anything goes against my plans though, I completely freak out. I can’t even handle being late to something. Unfortunately, I’m getting to the part in my life when most of my future is dependent on other people. I don’t think anything could be scarier. My plans are turning from black and white to grey. The worst time in my entire life was when I had no plan. I still don’t understand how I made it through. I think that’s why I’ve always wanted to be in a serious relationship my entire life. So much of your life is planned then. You at least know that someone is sharing in your plan and they’re not going to let you go down with them. Plans are more concrete when two people have to agree on them. For now I’ll just focus on planning tomorrow instead of 10 years from now.

Wrote this awhile ago…on an optomistic day…putting it in here for safe keeps.

i keep getting reminded of how happy i should be with what i have. it’s pretty sweet actually. it completely changes my outlook on life and without any effort by me. last week, i was crazy stressed out by all the changes happening in my life shortly. i am very excited for some of these changes but i get very stressed out actually dealing with change. when things stay the same, it’s comforting and soon my life will be very very different. i’m not going to pretend like ive been handeling this ‘long’ distance relationship very well. it’s incredibly frustrating when your friends who have even longer distance relationships get to see eachother more than you do. it’s very frustrating sitting at home doing nothing night after night when your boyfriend is so busy he barely has time to talk to you. it’s just very frustrating being apart because of a choice you made. i wouldnt’ take it back but it’s not very fun. we were having a conversation one night about people’s relationships in our house when ashley said ‘i’m not sure how your relationship is but ours…etc. etc.’ and the thought occurred to me that we can’t even have normal problems…we barely have a relationship. we are barely a part of eachother’s lives. and it hit me that i hated how it was. a couple hours a week. i was afraid it might never get better. now when something bother’s me, i want to work at it. i want to make it better. unfortunately, there’s nothing to fix this situation right now. there isn’t more time during the week. but i still saw it as something i didn’t like and had to change. this turned into a horrible situation that i don’t even like thinking about…but somehow i got the feeling that i’ve only gotten a couple times in my life…when everything is crashing down and you have nothing…that is a feeling i never want to feel again and i had brought it on myself…luckily, when i woke up the next morning, the choice was clear…everything was black and white for the first time ever…i want to be with him more than anything right now and so i will wait it out. there is no other option; no other choice. i’m not even sad about it because this is just how it is. And for the first time i saw things the way he did back in September ’07…

the other thing that has been plaguing my mind is moving…i want to move right now more than anything. obviously it would fix so many problems. i could easily see chase, i wouldn’t have to worry about who was taking care of hurley, i wouldn’t have to worry about brit not being able to help pick our apt, i wouldn’t have to be worried about being insanely bored this summer, etc. etc…it would be so much easier. And yesterday, i actually thought of a way i could move June 1st…however, i then started thinking about where i was going to get the money from…i would have to pay atleast $1000 the first month. i have my money pinpointed down to the last $1 right now…i definetly don’t have an extra $1000 lying around…i started getting so worried about it that i didn’t want to move anymore…when the landlord called me back and said he had decided to give the apt to someone else, i was incredibly relieved…i can stay in menomonie, save money, and just worry about taking care of my puppy for now…that actually seems easier.

And so…for the first time in awhile…i am totally happy just where i am.

114 days…
…until I live in Eau Claire..
…until I spend a reasonable amount of money on gas (if that’s possible these days)…
…until I live with my puppy…
…until I actually spend time with my boyfriend…
…until I can spontaneously hang out with my friends…
…until life is easy again…

too bad that’s like a 1/3 of the year still….

Sometimes i just can’t take it…it’s the constant reminders…they’re not fun….last week i said something like “i dont think i can go not seeing you for a week” and i was faced with the ultimatum…deal with it or break up…that hadn’t even occurred to me…it just seemed if i didn’t want it enough that it would get better…not end…and i know i need to accept it…and be fine with it…but it hurts so much…and it’s just those constant reminders…like when your boyfriend comes over for a few hours and then leaves to do homework….and both of your roommate’s boyfriends bring their overnight bags and their homework to do at your house…i Dont Want it to be like this…but i have no choice…i want this no matter how hard it is more than i want to live without it…

why do I love my birthday so much? Why do i look forward to it for months? I can tell you it is definetly not for the presents or the free drinks. It’s not for the attention.  It’s not for the reason to celebrate (1/2 birthdays are good for that).  It is because my birthday is the one day of year i can guilt all of my friends into visiting me.  No matter what ‘group’ they may be in, no matter how far away they live, they come together to celebrate my birthday.

Last year was pretty amazing but I expect this year to be 100 times better!! No i dont expect it, i Know it will be!